The ChemTeam's Stress Diet


1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole-wheat bread
8 oz. skim milk


4 oz. broiled chicken breast (skinless)
1 cup steamed zucchini
1 Oreo cookie
1 cup herb tea

Mid-afternoon snack:

rest of the package of Oreo cookies
one quart rocky road ice cream
one jar hot fudge


two loaves garlic bread
large pepperoni and mushroom pizza
two pitchers of beer
three candy bars
entire frozen cheesecake eaten directly from the freezer
Diet Tips:
  1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
  2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they will cancel each other out.
  3. Calories don't count if you eat with someone and you both eat the same amount.
  4. Food taken for medicinal purposes does not count. This includes hot chocolate, brandy, toast, and Sara Lee chocolate cake.
  5. If you fatten up everyone around you, you'll look thinner.
  6. Snacks consumed in a movie do not count as they are part of the entertainment. For example: Milk Duds, popcorn with extra butter, large sodas, and M & M's.
  7. Pieces of cookies contain no calories. The process of breaking them up causes a calorie leakage.
  8. Late-night snacks have no calories. The refrigerator light is not strong enough for the calories to see their way into the calorie counter.

ChemTeam Bonus: Handy Calorie Counter for the Office

Beating around the bush 75
tooting your own horn 25
passing the buck 140
bending over backwards 200
pushing your luck 300
eating crow 225
dragging your heels 100
swallowing your pride 50
throwing your weight around
(depending on your weight)